finally.

wow.

i literally have no excuse. well, i actually have a few but i'll save those for later. summer has been intense. the krill family has entertained, traveled, recuperated, partied, slept in, observed marriage vows, camped (in a cabin) oh... and WE MADE A BABY. that's one of my excuses. actually, those are all my excuses.

morning sickness has been unreal. but i think my attitude about it has been better than it was with jr. i mean, c'mon, no one likes being sick ALL day, so yes, i have complained about it a bit. but i also know what i am getting in less than (hopefully) six months: a sweet little baby. i couldn't be more thrilled, even when i am puking over the toilet and peeing at the same time b/c its intense and my 2 year old runs in and drags his blankie through it so i have to wash the blankie and then that's WWIII in my house. tmi? too bad. that is just how it is here.

so really, being pregnant is my number 1 excuse. morning sickness started in july and has hung around since. we're really becoming quite the pair. so i have spent most of my free time sleeping and not writing. or sometimes i spend it cleaning when i absolutely have to. cooking? forget about it. my poor husband.

but wait, you say, your last post was in june and you didn't get sick until july? yes, smarty pants, you got me. my other excuses are:

1. i had a multitude of visitors. among them some dear sisters and families, and some amazing friends and their kiddos. i surely should have dedicated a blog post to each with pictures and all but that seems like so much work right now. let me sum up: i feel incredible blessed to have amazing people in my life willing to spend the money to come see me and my family, spoil us and love us.

2. we traveled. more than once. we went to denver, vancouver, niagara falls, new york, and pennsylvania. denver was, of course, to visit family and friends. vancouver was incredible. c.krill and jr met my grandmother for the first time. i got to see where my mommy grew up. it was a very emotional trip for me. niagara falls i mentioned above. jr loved it. i thought he was gonna throw himself off the rail. it was terrifying. new york we went to for c.krill's childhood camp's reunion. i don't remember how many years its been around but its been awhile. we met up with my brother and his wife and kiddos. she went there as a kid, too. what are the odds? Pennsylvania was a short trip; we went out of the blue and stayed the night on the lake WITHOUT the offspring. well, besides the one in the belly.

i really could go on with all the weddings, parties and socializing we did... but truth is, we also had a very peaceful summer. things seem slower out here in ohio than they did in denver. it may be the lack of communtity we still have, but that has only taught me to find my introvert (which, if you know me, is a big deal). i love being at home with my boy and making the house pretty. i like puking in my own toilet and not in the wal-mart parking lot or party isle. i love spending time with my family. we only have 6 more months with jr, all by himself. we cut jr's curls off, he is currently being potty trained and we are toying with the idea of putting him in a big boy bed. sheesh. he is two. how?

i am looking forward to this fall season in ohio: the many colors of leaves, instead of the one color in colorado (it's still pretty but this is pretty awesome), small town coffee's (we don't have a starbucks), pumpkin festivals, apple picking, leaf jumping, not being sick (crossing my fingers), cool air, my anniversary (thursday).

ahhh autumn. hopefully i will write more. i like the escape this blog brings, though sometimes i feel like i am squandering precious sleeping time. i seriously need to get to bed earlier.

i hope this summer was filled with joy for you and your families. it seems so long ago that we had our miscarriage, even though it was 5 months ago. we started the summer season with heartache and have ended with peace and joy. God is good.

ps. christmas is 11 weeks away. i hope that puts a little spring in your step. 

thought of the day

love never stops.

c.krill and i attended a wedding a couple weeks back... a few maybe. i have kinda lost track of time. its summer. sue me (no, don't.). at the wedding i had the opportunity to sit down and have a little chat with c.krill's grandma (on his dad's side). they call her grandma pinkie because her cheeks are rosy. isn't that just the cutest? we got to talking about her son, my husband's dad, and his upcoming marriage.

first... a little background. for those of you who don't know, c.krill's mama took her own life 4 years ago come christmas time. it was a difficult time for the whole family, especially my sweet hubby and his daddy. part of the reason my husband wanted to move home was to help emotionally support his family. what can i say? i married a winner. 

anyway, we got to talking and she asked me what i thought of her son's new fiance. i told her the truth of course... i really like her. she is fun, adventurous, talkative (she can keep up with me, and that is saying something), she loves my baby, and she loves my father-in-law. what i love most about her is how she can barely say anything without mentioning the Lord and His goodness. i said all this and more as i watched this sweet woman next to me, her eyes filling with tears. she explained to me how happy she was for her own baby, that she was grateful to live to see him joyful again, to see him loved by another. 

i cried with her. i couldn't help it. i started thinking about the love i have for my son. sometimes it fills me so that i think my head and my heart are going to burst. i love him with everything in my being. i am not saying he doesn't annoy, frustrate, or confuse me. that would be unrealistic. but i always love him. 

then i thought about him growing up and meeting a girl. terrifying.

grandma pinkie watched as her own little boy grew into a man, fell in love with a woman, had babies, lived and learned with her. and then she watched on as her son lost this woman. heartbroken, knowing she couldn't do anything to fix the darkness in his life. i cannot imagine this. i get anxious when the older boys on the playground don't understand why my son isn't speaking fluent english. "why you no talk?" they ask him. "because he is a baby!" i want to defend, as i sit on the sidelines. jr. just babbles something unintelligible and laughs before following them around. 

i can't imagine my love for my son ever dwindling. i can only imagine it growing, amplifying. i can imagine being in grandma pinkie's situation: in her 80's (and healthy, ptL), looking on as her son, even while in his 60's, experiences God's goodness and faithfulness in his upcoming marriage this weekend.

her tears of joy are beautiful to me. they show me her mother's heart. 

then i see the real kicker: God's love for me is perfect. it doesn't wax, wane, or even grow. He already loves me to the utmost that love can even be. i wonder what that kind of love feels like? when i already feel like i could burst? i cannot wait to find out. 

i don't have a pic of the new couple (i will this weekend though!) so i'll just share this one from father's day.

moving on

life in the krill house...

so its sure been a while. i posted in the beginning of may about small town life and then again about why i haven't been blogging much. i guess i haven't really felt like it but life has been moving on... and quickly.

c.krill and i have found a peace and we are ready to keep on keepin' on. 

okay. so. the last few months in snap shots and captions.

 we had a wonderful friend visit in april while c.krill was out of town. she is pretty incredible.

we enjoyed ourselves at a festival in honor of maple syrup (ahh, small town life). jr really did had fun though he may not look it. he is a bit inexpressive. 

he is asking for 'more.' i think we rode the carousel 5 times. zero puking too.

 he also ate a large amount of fries. larger than i thought was possible for someone his size. it's so weird that he is a tiny human.

she took gorgeous pictures of my gorgeous son.

amiright?

 we got in some excellent park time with special friends.

jr learned how to pray (he caught me peeking by peeking)...

how to lay (in the water)...

and how to smile for pictures. he is, obviously, an expert at all three. 

 we went to the zoo for mother's day. it was jr's first time. talk about over stimulation. he tried to squeeze his way into every exhibit possible which is why i don't have very many pictures. but he is such a good smiler. sheesh. 

we got to witness a beautiful wedding... baby free. congrats jimmy and ana! we also saw star trek in between the wedding and reception. you haven't seen it yet? that could be considered a sin. okay not really. but you should see it. we also attended a family picnic to meet c.krill's dad's fiance's family (confused?).

jr gets a gramma now on c.krill's side of the family. it warms my heart. 

 i have had some sweet time with my son. summer is here and he is enjoying every bit of it. he's also taking really long naps. win. 

we live a very rich life despite the darkness surrounding us.

John 8:12

when it rains...

...look up. 

i had such high hopes for this blog, but life has caught up with me these last few months and hasn't really let up. my last post was a draft i started a long time ago. its a good thing i had it or else i may have given up all together. 

life has been tumultuous. the storm that stared with longing and learning, that turned to joy has now ended with heart ache. 

if you know me or have read my previous blogs, you know that we are trying to expand our little family. through the 8 months of trying, the Lord has taught me great things, wrapped His arms around me and brought me peace, though it was quite a roller coaster ride.

april 7th i got a positive pregnancy test. joy abounded. the Lord had heard my prayers and granted c.krill and i the desire of our hearts: another baby to love.

having my son wasn't a smooth transition. labor was actually the easy part. it was the anxiety following that was the fight. i'm sure i can get an amen from some of you sisters out there. this new baby didn't scare me though (not yet anyway). i knew it would be hard, but i would get a second chance to appreciate and admire a sweet newborn child, my newborn child, like i hadn't with my first (hopeful).

we had our first appointment when, from my estimation, i was 7 weeks along. c.krill and i had already talked about some names. i had high hopes for the nursery. i had told my family and a few close friends. mostly i was excited to meet this new child, so completely different from jr and yet just as big a part of me and my husband. i loved this child before i knew it.

our first appointment was weird. the whole atmosphere felt 'off' if you get my meaning. the dr told me i was only 5 weeks along. all my dates were completely screwed up and he couldn't tell me why. he told me he wanted to see me back the following week and he'd be able to see more and tell me more. i remembered that i had gone in with my son for the first time when i was 9 weeks and they told me i was 7. i thought this was just the same thing. but after this appointment i kinda had a hunch that something was wrong. my husband told me i was being fearful, and i was, but i couldn't shake it.

the night before our next appointment (may 1st) i had two dreams about not hearing the baby's heartbeat. i remember hearing my son's heartbeat for the first time. it was the best sound in the world. when i didn't hear the heartbeat of this child, my world crashed. "i don't think this pregnancy is viable," the dr said. it was nearly unbelievable.

i haven't seen a lot of death in my life. my parents are still around, all but one of my grandparents and all my siblings. my poor husband has seen his share of death, more than most people his age. he grew up fast. but i've lived in this fantasy world (mostly) where death is something that i can only empathize with.

this felt like death. it was not only the death of a little life but the death of a dream and of a hope. i didn't know this little person but i ached to. it hurt and a part of me broke.

most people would say that this is so common. i know too many women who have had a miscarriage. life goes on. God has a plan. you're young... you have plenty of time to have more. i know those things but knowing those things does not make it hurt less. it was so very personal. this time it was my child. my hope. my longing. my dream. i felt robbed of something. there was life and then there wasn't.

our dr recommended a d&c. we decided to wait and let the process start naturally. it did. it was a confirmation of what we already knew. then it was painful. i felt like i was in labor but i didn't get a baby at the end. we opted for the d&c. the nurse at the hospital was so sweet. she said "i'm sorry for your loss." i thought that's what people said at a funeral but it felt right hearing those words. it was a loss. i wasn't overreacting. sure, miscarriage is common. but it is wrong.

its wrong because we live in a fallen world where death and decay run rampant. what i felt was justified because it was a horror i should have never experienced. death will not occur when the Savior returns. amen.

there is a peace, in a way, knowing you have no control over something (especially when you are me and you want to control everything). i couldn't have saved my baby, given it a heartbeat. this was from the Lord and could have even been a mercy. we don't often see all we are saved from.

may 1st
Jesus Calling by sarah young

you are on a path of my choosing. there is no randomness about your life. here and now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. they avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. they forget they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. they forget their Creator, who only walks with them in the present. 
every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk upon the path of Peace. 

the Lord couldn't be more clear to me. as much as i love my son and as much i loved the baby that was once inside me, the Lord loves me so much more. trusting in Him means trusting that He is all good. there is no darkness in Him. i know He hears me. and i know He will answer. He's wrapped me in a love that will never let me go. 

just a big town girl

living in a small town world.

isn't it kinda beautiful?

well it gets even better in the summer when all the trees are full and green (almost there!). you don't really get that in colorado... maybe for 2 weeks and then it gets brown again. maybe i'm exaggerating and making myself feel better about not being in colorado.

but seriously, ohio is much greener than colorado, but it is a lot more humid and has a lot more bugs, though i would say, smaller spiders. that's a definite perk. but this isn't really a post about ohio vs colorado. there are so many ups and downs to both. i love both for many different reasons. this is a post about my new country life.

i was a city girl, born and raised. i'm not sure what the population was like when i was born but now there are a whopping 96,000 people living in highlands ranch. that's 3,000 something people per square mile and there are only 23 square miles. according to wikipedia anyway. out here we have around 5,000 people in 23 square miles. that's about 200 people per square mile. ummm, there is a quite a difference.

with only that many people you have to be careful about picking your nose in the car. you never know who you are going to see ("ewww. she does that?" yeah, well, sometimes).  you just have to play it safe now and again and actually get dressed to go to wal-mart. we ALWAYS see someone c.krill used to know and i believe in first impressions. especially when its an old high school friend or girl. silly and shallow? maybe. but its my life.

its really quiet out here. except when someone is riding a dirt bike (awesome but i wanna hurt them, unless they give me a ride) or the occasional target practice (this annoys me and my own dear husband is a world record target shooter). but most of the time it is quiet. the birds are glorious. i am obsessed with cardinals.

(our front yard. i think we have a dandelion problem)

we have an acre of land and it didn't cost us all our money and then some body parts. we have started a little garden and are hoping for the best.

(jr likes to help garden by putting on the gloves. that's about it)

there is a strong sense of community that is lacking in a city environment. everything is more dear, quaint and people are nicer. my husband is probably laughing at this. he used to tell me that when we lived in colorado, i had no idea how nice people could get. he was right. its not that coloradoans aren't nice, not at all. i'm from colorado and i am a very nice person (in my humble opinion). but chances are you aren't going to see that person again (b/c its a big city... keep up) so you skip the warm smile, the hello, the stopping to chat. you rarely see someone you know or used to know. okay my colorado readers, i am not dissing you. i am speaking in general terms here. if you aren't one of these people you either a) didn't grow up in the ranch or 2) are really awesome.

country life seems more simple. not to mention, we have saved money. why? there is no mall. there is no starbucks. there isn't a lot actually. what there is usually closes at 8 anyway. that's kinda frustrating but its also forced us to be more creative. its also changed my perspective on driving. all of a sudden, 30 minutes doesn't seem so long to get somewhere. in highlands ranch a long drive was 10-15 minutes. you had all you needed at your fingertips and there was no reason to drive any long distance. that is not the case here. if/when we move back i think i won't mind visiting my friends farther away :) wish i had learned that one sooner.

(exploring one of our favorite nearby places)

i have loved living in the country. it will be hard if/when we convert back to city life. i'm not sure we will and i'm not sure we won't. c.krill's job could really take us anywhere. 

we're thankful for this time we have here, though. all the new experiences, new and old friends, and new places to see. we have been blessed. 

soulful work

we have survived. 

oh boy. the last time i posted was march 28th. don't worry, i'm not quitting. the last couple weeks just happened to be a little rough.

first there was easter weekend. busy. we took cal to an easter egg hunt but he just cried. i would have to. they stuck a bazillion 1-2 year olds in a 12x12 area with a kazillion eggs. at that point its like, forget the candy and get me outta here before these kids eat me! then we had dinner at c.krill's aunt's house. it was fabulous and we had a great time.

the week after easter was an interesting one for me. let's just say it was super hormonal (is that word allowed?) and i was super unmotivated to do ANYTHING. that included blogging. sorry peeps, but if its between spending the energy i have on keeping my son alive and writing to you, well, its an obvious answer really.

the weekend got better but come monday, the poo hit the fan. it hit baby krill first. that kid vomited for 7 hours! he couldn't keep anything down and was only content sitting on my lap. awwww. to be honest, i kind of enjoyed his cuddles and i also kinda wanted to work on some projects. he woke up the next morning feeling pretty chipper, but it was my turn. i also vomited for 7 hours and had to call my husband home to take care of jr. i was incapable. and i was scaring him. he kept signing "all done" and crying for me to stop. he wanted to cuddle and put his blanket on me. kinda sweet, but i also would have preferred some privacy.

then c.krill got it, though he never threw up, there were other symptoms, if you know what i mean. as soon as i thought all was well with the world, jr gets sick again and starts pooping up a storm. i'm talking soup poop (tmi?). so then you have a whole slew of problems, including, but not limited to, diaper burn, anxiety, midnight diaper checks, midnight baths, excessive use of paper towel, etc.

the other night c.krill and i were watching a movie and we could literally smell the poo coming from cal's room. it was horrendous. he was asleep of course. i don't know how but he was peaceful until i woke him up, stuck him in the tub and pulled him out again. that happened twice that night.

BUT the Lord was merciful. besides the aforementioned night, jr slept a lot! he even took 2 naps during the day which helped c.krill and i both recover as well.

oh guess what i did this morning? cleaned up poop off my floor, rug and couch. i guess you saw that one coming.

anyway, in the midst of all this i thought, "oh it would be so nice to be on a beach somewhere, by myself, having a long island iced tea, relaxing." then i would surf the book of faces, and see my babyless friends going on grand adventures and not cleaning up poop. i got envious. and a little bitter.

a week (or more) of vomit, poop and whining will do something to you. it will make you wish for a different life. but then i held my son and rocked him to sleep last night. he was so beautiful, his long lashes kissing his cheeks, the steady rhythm of his chest rising and falling, his pursed lips, dry from a little dehydration, rosy cheeks. he held onto the collar of my shirt, his blankie pulled up under his chin. could, or would, i really give him up to travel and relax where ever i wanted?

no. no i wouldn't.

i can't take travel to heaven. i can't take money, possessions, cute curtains to heaven. i do, however, have the opportunity, with my son, to cultivate a spirit, a heart and a body that yearns for Jesus Christ. i can help raise a man whose concern is for the gospel. i can (God willing) take my son to heaven.

i find that when i become bitter or jealous that my perspective is an earthly one, a sin of my flesh. but when i redirect my focus to eternal things, my heart becomes peaceful and i am contented. contentment is the place i love most.

"one always gets to decide what is mindless work and what is soulful work." ann voskamp

my work is soulful work because i said so, because the Lord told me it is. for now that work is cleaning up after my son, loving my son. 

i guess what i am trying to say is that, cleaning up poop can be a Godly endeavor. 

amen. 

eggs, burlap and gmo's

this week in the krill household...

we were supposed to have easter dinner at my house but everyone had other plans so that's not going to happen (bittersweet. i don't have to clean!) but that didn't stop me: i made glitter eggs. they are gorgeous! now i know easter isn't about eggs, bunnies or brunch. its about the resurrection of our blessed Savior. period. but these are seriously awesome.

not as awesome as being cleansed from all my sin, not even a close second, but they are pretty. i can use them every year too b/c they are fake. no dying real eggs and then throwing them away/in my mouth. 

baby krill wanted to eat them. silly boy. 

this is all it took: modge podge, foam brush, toothpicks, plastic easter egg, glitter, paper plate. 

plastic easter eggs come with holes in them. mine did at least. pop a toothpick in, lather in modge podge and then sprinkle on the glitter. i actually kinda dumped mine on, over the paper plate. voila. you could separate the eggs and do it half by half but they were hard to put back together and i had to do some touch up work. also tried to mix the modge podge and glitter together and then lather. i wouldn't recommend it with this type of glitter. cost: ~$3 (i already had the brush, modge podge, toothpicks, plate. the eggs cost me 29 cents)

i also made this burlap wreath. oooo ahhhh. yes, i love this as well. i was going to use burlap on the table too but again, it just isn't going to happen (bittersweet. i don't have to cook!). it is really very simple. no glue, no sew, no adhesive at all. just 4" burlap and a wired wreath and two hands capable of looping, pulling and twisting. done and done. cost: $7. you could add different embellishments for different seasons/holidays. here is the tutorial i looked at (if you need one).

i had other decor plans that i probably won't do. except i got this shnazzy print from jones design company... for free! 

you can get it here if you want to subscribe by email. you do want to do this. it comes in a couple different colors and there are other prints as well. she is fantastic. here i am praising her and she has no idea i exist. someday i will change that. 

c.krill really is the best. wanna know why? look what he got me for an early (may) birthday gift:

(now all to do is wash and iron it. it had better look exactly like this.)

so in a previous post i mentioned eating more veggies to help eliminate the cost of meat. lets just say, winter sucks. i didn't buy meat this month (win) but we ran out of veggies at the end of week two (lose).

anywho, with all this change going on in the house, i've realized its hard for me to be balanced. what started with just eating more veggies has translated into researching supplements, vitamins, cod liver oil, chia seeds, organic vs nonorganic, in and out of season produce, grass fed beef vs not, gmo's. you name it... i've read something on it. i'm not talking research like look at one site and be done... i've looked at both sides. i'm also not talking about the research where you go the library and get books on the subject. psh. who has that kind of time? 

i think i am going crazy.

balance would say try to eat better, but when budget doesn't allow, or when you want a treat, don't beat yourself up. crazy j.krill would say, "curse all things processed, genetically altered and fried in sugar! hide yo kids!" i don't want to be crazy or unbalanced but i kinda have a history of this. i get too excited, too involved and i kinda just go all in (i.e. books, crafts, anything to do with the book of Revelation, babywise, house projects, etc.). its either that or i'm all out (exercise. insanity lasted for 2 weeks. it needs to start up again). sometimes i purposely stay all out so i won't go all in (make sense?). 

ask c.krill. he knows this better than anyone and he is always there to talk me down and balance me out. thank the gracious Father above for marriage. 

though my budget doesn't allow for all things organic, natural and glorious, i am happy that i have done the research and know what to steer completely clear of and other things that i am okay with indulging in once in a while. but i've just felt convicted about living in ignorance. i've put this off for far to long. ignorance is bliss right? not for me. luckily we don't have too many changes to make (my momma is a health nut), but sometimes change is hard even if it is little. 

*i am not cursing people who eat processed food. not at all. we'll still eat tortilla chips (can't go without my momma's salsa) and we love cereal (almost too much). i'll let my son have treats and eat cupcakes at a birthday party, holiday or just 'cuz.*

i want to be a good steward of the health the Lord has blessed me and my family with. so i am all in in that regard. the Lord has been opening my eyes up to area's of laziness and apathy in my life. this is one. this is my journey. you can agree or disagree. the Lord loves us both, just the same (maybe i'll shed some unwanted weight in the process. perk.).

lets see... what else?

we're going green on our cleaning products. cheaper and they smell better (supposedly. i'll let you know). ordered some stuff from that gem of a site, amazon. should get here next week. 

little krill is officially 18 months. he is picking up on words faster. cracker, pretty, hot, turkey (what?!?), please, this (as he points), pickle, tickle are some of the words in his arsenal. he is just getting better and better. he can jump with 2 feet off the ground and land it. i read somewhere that jumping was a milestone for a 2 year old. beat that (don't tell me that this is average if it is. i like thinking my kid is athletic seeing as i am not in the least). 

happy easter my friends and loved ones. happy resurrection day! oh happy day!

(here is a little nugget from my childhood)