...look up.
i had such high hopes for this blog, but life has caught up with me these last few months and hasn't really let up. my last post was a draft i started a long time ago. its a good thing i had it or else i may have given up all together.
life has been tumultuous. the storm that stared with longing and learning, that turned to joy has now ended with heart ache.
if you know me or have read my previous blogs, you know that we are trying to expand our little family. through the 8 months of trying, the Lord has taught me great things, wrapped His arms around me and brought me peace, though it was quite a roller coaster ride.
april 7th i got a positive pregnancy test. joy abounded. the Lord had heard my prayers and granted c.krill and i the desire of our hearts: another baby to love.
having my son wasn't a smooth transition. labor was actually the easy part. it was the anxiety following that was the fight. i'm sure i can get an amen from some of you sisters out there. this new baby didn't scare me though (not yet anyway). i knew it would be hard, but i would get a second chance to appreciate and admire a sweet newborn child, my newborn child, like i hadn't with my first (hopeful).
we had our first appointment when, from my estimation, i was 7 weeks along. c.krill and i had already talked about some names. i had high hopes for the nursery. i had told my family and a few close friends. mostly i was excited to meet this new child, so completely different from jr and yet just as big a part of me and my husband. i loved this child before i knew it.
our first appointment was weird. the whole atmosphere felt 'off' if you get my meaning. the dr told me i was only 5 weeks along. all my dates were completely screwed up and he couldn't tell me why. he told me he wanted to see me back the following week and he'd be able to see more and tell me more. i remembered that i had gone in with my son for the first time when i was 9 weeks and they told me i was 7. i thought this was just the same thing. but after this appointment i kinda had a hunch that something was wrong. my husband told me i was being fearful, and i was, but i couldn't shake it.
the night before our next appointment (may 1st) i had two dreams about not hearing the baby's heartbeat. i remember hearing my son's heartbeat for the first time. it was the best sound in the world. when i didn't hear the heartbeat of this child, my world crashed. "i don't think this pregnancy is viable," the dr said. it was nearly unbelievable.
i haven't seen a lot of death in my life. my parents are still around, all but one of my grandparents and all my siblings. my poor husband has seen his share of death, more than most people his age. he grew up fast. but i've lived in this fantasy world (mostly) where death is something that i can only empathize with.
this felt like death. it was not only the death of a little life but the death of a dream and of a hope. i didn't know this little person but i ached to. it hurt and a part of me broke.
most people would say that this is so common. i know too many women who have had a miscarriage. life goes on. God has a plan. you're young... you have plenty of time to have more. i know those things but knowing those things does not make it hurt less. it was so very personal. this time it was my child. my hope. my longing. my dream. i felt robbed of something. there was life and then there wasn't.
our dr recommended a d&c. we decided to wait and let the process start naturally. it did. it was a confirmation of what we already knew. then it was painful. i felt like i was in labor but i didn't get a baby at the end. we opted for the d&c. the nurse at the hospital was so sweet. she said "i'm sorry for your loss." i thought that's what people said at a funeral but it felt right hearing those words. it was a loss. i wasn't overreacting. sure, miscarriage is common. but it is wrong.
its wrong because we live in a fallen world where death and decay run rampant. what i felt was justified because it was a horror i should have never experienced. death will not occur when the Savior returns. amen.
there is a peace, in a way, knowing you have no control over something (especially when you are me and you want to control everything). i couldn't have saved my baby, given it a heartbeat. this was from the Lord and could have even been a mercy. we don't often see all we are saved from.
may 1st
Jesus Calling by sarah young
you are on a path of my choosing. there is no randomness about your life. here and now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. they avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. they forget they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. they forget their Creator, who only walks with them in the present.
every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk upon the path of Peace.
the Lord couldn't be more clear to me. as much as i love my son and as much i loved the baby that was once inside me, the Lord loves me so much more. trusting in Him means trusting that He is all good. there is no darkness in Him. i know He hears me. and i know He will answer. He's wrapped me in a love that will never let me go.
april 7th i got a positive pregnancy test. joy abounded. the Lord had heard my prayers and granted c.krill and i the desire of our hearts: another baby to love.
having my son wasn't a smooth transition. labor was actually the easy part. it was the anxiety following that was the fight. i'm sure i can get an amen from some of you sisters out there. this new baby didn't scare me though (not yet anyway). i knew it would be hard, but i would get a second chance to appreciate and admire a sweet newborn child, my newborn child, like i hadn't with my first (hopeful).
we had our first appointment when, from my estimation, i was 7 weeks along. c.krill and i had already talked about some names. i had high hopes for the nursery. i had told my family and a few close friends. mostly i was excited to meet this new child, so completely different from jr and yet just as big a part of me and my husband. i loved this child before i knew it.
our first appointment was weird. the whole atmosphere felt 'off' if you get my meaning. the dr told me i was only 5 weeks along. all my dates were completely screwed up and he couldn't tell me why. he told me he wanted to see me back the following week and he'd be able to see more and tell me more. i remembered that i had gone in with my son for the first time when i was 9 weeks and they told me i was 7. i thought this was just the same thing. but after this appointment i kinda had a hunch that something was wrong. my husband told me i was being fearful, and i was, but i couldn't shake it.
the night before our next appointment (may 1st) i had two dreams about not hearing the baby's heartbeat. i remember hearing my son's heartbeat for the first time. it was the best sound in the world. when i didn't hear the heartbeat of this child, my world crashed. "i don't think this pregnancy is viable," the dr said. it was nearly unbelievable.
i haven't seen a lot of death in my life. my parents are still around, all but one of my grandparents and all my siblings. my poor husband has seen his share of death, more than most people his age. he grew up fast. but i've lived in this fantasy world (mostly) where death is something that i can only empathize with.
this felt like death. it was not only the death of a little life but the death of a dream and of a hope. i didn't know this little person but i ached to. it hurt and a part of me broke.
most people would say that this is so common. i know too many women who have had a miscarriage. life goes on. God has a plan. you're young... you have plenty of time to have more. i know those things but knowing those things does not make it hurt less. it was so very personal. this time it was my child. my hope. my longing. my dream. i felt robbed of something. there was life and then there wasn't.
our dr recommended a d&c. we decided to wait and let the process start naturally. it did. it was a confirmation of what we already knew. then it was painful. i felt like i was in labor but i didn't get a baby at the end. we opted for the d&c. the nurse at the hospital was so sweet. she said "i'm sorry for your loss." i thought that's what people said at a funeral but it felt right hearing those words. it was a loss. i wasn't overreacting. sure, miscarriage is common. but it is wrong.
its wrong because we live in a fallen world where death and decay run rampant. what i felt was justified because it was a horror i should have never experienced. death will not occur when the Savior returns. amen.
there is a peace, in a way, knowing you have no control over something (especially when you are me and you want to control everything). i couldn't have saved my baby, given it a heartbeat. this was from the Lord and could have even been a mercy. we don't often see all we are saved from.
may 1st
Jesus Calling by sarah young
you are on a path of my choosing. there is no randomness about your life. here and now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. they avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. they forget they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. they forget their Creator, who only walks with them in the present.
every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk upon the path of Peace.
the Lord couldn't be more clear to me. as much as i love my son and as much i loved the baby that was once inside me, the Lord loves me so much more. trusting in Him means trusting that He is all good. there is no darkness in Him. i know He hears me. and i know He will answer. He's wrapped me in a love that will never let me go.
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