patience is a virtue

how not to wait.

it's been a hard day. waiting for something to happen that is out of your control is hard. waiting for something good is hard. waiting for anything, actually, is just plain ol' hard. waiting for nap time can be hard some days. waiting for that vacation you need so desperately is hard. waiting for the next paycheck, the first paycheck, for your husband/wife to come home after a long trip (maybe overseas). for some it could just be waiting for the next meal, or waiting for a long fight to be solved, to meet the person you marry.

in my case, i am waiting for a baby. 

my husband and i have been trying for our second for 6 months now. 6 months, when our first only took one! okay, okay. it doesn't seem that long... for you. maybe you waited 5 years, 10 years, 10 weeks, i don't know, but i will venture to say that it was probably rough. i didn't have to wait the first time, and i am very thankful for that now that i know what it means to wait (or do i?), but i truly think that the waiting process, no matter what it is you are waiting for, is one of the most difficult places to be. and its here in the depths that i have come upon a realization: there is a vast difference between waiting anxiously and waiting faithfully (if journey's song faithfully came to mind then you are a woman after my own heart!).

i am kinda ocd and kinda a planner so i love lists. here is a list of what i've learned about unfaithful waiting:

1. it keeps you looking forward. waiting anxiously draws your focus to the things of tomorrow. it isolates your mind on the "what if's" and the "what could be's." it distracts you from the beauty of the present and makes you forget what you already have. for instance: i already have a baby boy. he really is more of a toddler now but still such a baby in so many ways. i so anxiously want another baby that sometimes i forget how precious he is, what an amazing gift i have been blessed to have. 

2. it keeps you counting. months, weeks, days, hours and even minutes. you count them all. it is exhausting! i really am tired (literally and figuratively) of all the countless weeks that have seemed to stack up with the ever-constant thought of getting pregnant nagging me. counting can get stressful, unless by some miracle, you happen to love math. stress = life sucker. there is also something to be said about how "a watched pot never boils," here but i'll just let that little idiom feed your brain cells all on its own. 

3. it leaves no room for God. this is a big one. like i said, i am a planner. i'd like to think that i am in control of my life, though i know it isn't true. i rely so heavily on myself and forget that i am only a creation, not a creator. i think very highly of myself though i can boast no work as mighty as creating a universe, a solar system, water, a cell- creating life- out of nothing. i think i am independent of all others and what i forget is that my life is dependent on God. 

where would i be without the Creator? not created would be the right answer, but more than that, i would be lost in a sea of anxiety. anxiety breeds stress and fear (maybe vice-versa, but where you find one, you will most likely find the others). the Lord grants faith, hope and peace. would not the Creator of life know when to bestow life? if He is having me wait for something that is good, would He not have a very good reason for it? "this God- His way is perfect; the word of the Lord proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him. for who is God but the Lord? and who is a rock, except our God?" (ps. 18:30-31). 

a very sweet friend of mine painted a lovely picture for me. if my son were mishandling a toy, maybe disrespecting it or being destructive, i would take it away. i wouldn't take it away because i do not love him, i took it so that he would learn that what he was doing is wrong. i would take it because i love him. whatever God is working in His plan is for my good (rom 8:28) and because He loves me. 

i could probably come up with some good reasons why we aren't pregnant yet, scientifically and spiritually but the point is, whatever the reason, the Lord is drawing me nearer to Him. that's a win, people.

notice what i haven't said is waiting faithfully isn't hard because i haven't said that because it isn't (how's that for sentence structure?). waiting faithfully takes the burden of fear, anxiety and stress and places that on the Lord. He has asked to take it. waiting faithfully is living day to day thankfully with the blessings you have, hoping in the Lord and His promises, and trusting that His way is perfect. this is the peace that He offers.

if you trust in who God is then you must trust that His plan is good. not not hard, just good. 

so i am not going to not try (i know this post is chalk full of double negatives. i get it). i am not going to give up. i am going to wait patiently and faithfully for what the Lord has to teach and give me. 

also, happy birthday to my very dear mother!

everyone says they have the best mom. they're wrong. it would take a million posts to encompass her actual being. i don't have that kind of time. 

please feel free to comment below!