moving on

life in the krill house...

so its sure been a while. i posted in the beginning of may about small town life and then again about why i haven't been blogging much. i guess i haven't really felt like it but life has been moving on... and quickly.

c.krill and i have found a peace and we are ready to keep on keepin' on. 

okay. so. the last few months in snap shots and captions.

 we had a wonderful friend visit in april while c.krill was out of town. she is pretty incredible.

we enjoyed ourselves at a festival in honor of maple syrup (ahh, small town life). jr really did had fun though he may not look it. he is a bit inexpressive. 

he is asking for 'more.' i think we rode the carousel 5 times. zero puking too.

 he also ate a large amount of fries. larger than i thought was possible for someone his size. it's so weird that he is a tiny human.

she took gorgeous pictures of my gorgeous son.

amiright?

 we got in some excellent park time with special friends.

jr learned how to pray (he caught me peeking by peeking)...

how to lay (in the water)...

and how to smile for pictures. he is, obviously, an expert at all three. 

 we went to the zoo for mother's day. it was jr's first time. talk about over stimulation. he tried to squeeze his way into every exhibit possible which is why i don't have very many pictures. but he is such a good smiler. sheesh. 

we got to witness a beautiful wedding... baby free. congrats jimmy and ana! we also saw star trek in between the wedding and reception. you haven't seen it yet? that could be considered a sin. okay not really. but you should see it. we also attended a family picnic to meet c.krill's dad's fiance's family (confused?).

jr gets a gramma now on c.krill's side of the family. it warms my heart. 

 i have had some sweet time with my son. summer is here and he is enjoying every bit of it. he's also taking really long naps. win. 

we live a very rich life despite the darkness surrounding us.

John 8:12

when it rains...

...look up. 

i had such high hopes for this blog, but life has caught up with me these last few months and hasn't really let up. my last post was a draft i started a long time ago. its a good thing i had it or else i may have given up all together. 

life has been tumultuous. the storm that stared with longing and learning, that turned to joy has now ended with heart ache. 

if you know me or have read my previous blogs, you know that we are trying to expand our little family. through the 8 months of trying, the Lord has taught me great things, wrapped His arms around me and brought me peace, though it was quite a roller coaster ride.

april 7th i got a positive pregnancy test. joy abounded. the Lord had heard my prayers and granted c.krill and i the desire of our hearts: another baby to love.

having my son wasn't a smooth transition. labor was actually the easy part. it was the anxiety following that was the fight. i'm sure i can get an amen from some of you sisters out there. this new baby didn't scare me though (not yet anyway). i knew it would be hard, but i would get a second chance to appreciate and admire a sweet newborn child, my newborn child, like i hadn't with my first (hopeful).

we had our first appointment when, from my estimation, i was 7 weeks along. c.krill and i had already talked about some names. i had high hopes for the nursery. i had told my family and a few close friends. mostly i was excited to meet this new child, so completely different from jr and yet just as big a part of me and my husband. i loved this child before i knew it.

our first appointment was weird. the whole atmosphere felt 'off' if you get my meaning. the dr told me i was only 5 weeks along. all my dates were completely screwed up and he couldn't tell me why. he told me he wanted to see me back the following week and he'd be able to see more and tell me more. i remembered that i had gone in with my son for the first time when i was 9 weeks and they told me i was 7. i thought this was just the same thing. but after this appointment i kinda had a hunch that something was wrong. my husband told me i was being fearful, and i was, but i couldn't shake it.

the night before our next appointment (may 1st) i had two dreams about not hearing the baby's heartbeat. i remember hearing my son's heartbeat for the first time. it was the best sound in the world. when i didn't hear the heartbeat of this child, my world crashed. "i don't think this pregnancy is viable," the dr said. it was nearly unbelievable.

i haven't seen a lot of death in my life. my parents are still around, all but one of my grandparents and all my siblings. my poor husband has seen his share of death, more than most people his age. he grew up fast. but i've lived in this fantasy world (mostly) where death is something that i can only empathize with.

this felt like death. it was not only the death of a little life but the death of a dream and of a hope. i didn't know this little person but i ached to. it hurt and a part of me broke.

most people would say that this is so common. i know too many women who have had a miscarriage. life goes on. God has a plan. you're young... you have plenty of time to have more. i know those things but knowing those things does not make it hurt less. it was so very personal. this time it was my child. my hope. my longing. my dream. i felt robbed of something. there was life and then there wasn't.

our dr recommended a d&c. we decided to wait and let the process start naturally. it did. it was a confirmation of what we already knew. then it was painful. i felt like i was in labor but i didn't get a baby at the end. we opted for the d&c. the nurse at the hospital was so sweet. she said "i'm sorry for your loss." i thought that's what people said at a funeral but it felt right hearing those words. it was a loss. i wasn't overreacting. sure, miscarriage is common. but it is wrong.

its wrong because we live in a fallen world where death and decay run rampant. what i felt was justified because it was a horror i should have never experienced. death will not occur when the Savior returns. amen.

there is a peace, in a way, knowing you have no control over something (especially when you are me and you want to control everything). i couldn't have saved my baby, given it a heartbeat. this was from the Lord and could have even been a mercy. we don't often see all we are saved from.

may 1st
Jesus Calling by sarah young

you are on a path of my choosing. there is no randomness about your life. here and now comprise the coordinates of your daily life. most people let their moments slip through their fingers, half-lived. they avoid the present by worrying about the future or longing for a better time and place. they forget they are creatures who are subject to the limitations of time and space. they forget their Creator, who only walks with them in the present. 
every moment is alive with My glorious Presence, to those whose hearts are intimately connected with Mine. As you give yourself more and more to a life of constant communion with Me, you will find that you simply have no time for worry. thus, you are freed to let My Spirit direct your steps, enabling you to walk upon the path of Peace. 

the Lord couldn't be more clear to me. as much as i love my son and as much i loved the baby that was once inside me, the Lord loves me so much more. trusting in Him means trusting that He is all good. there is no darkness in Him. i know He hears me. and i know He will answer. He's wrapped me in a love that will never let me go. 

just a big town girl

living in a small town world.

isn't it kinda beautiful?

well it gets even better in the summer when all the trees are full and green (almost there!). you don't really get that in colorado... maybe for 2 weeks and then it gets brown again. maybe i'm exaggerating and making myself feel better about not being in colorado.

but seriously, ohio is much greener than colorado, but it is a lot more humid and has a lot more bugs, though i would say, smaller spiders. that's a definite perk. but this isn't really a post about ohio vs colorado. there are so many ups and downs to both. i love both for many different reasons. this is a post about my new country life.

i was a city girl, born and raised. i'm not sure what the population was like when i was born but now there are a whopping 96,000 people living in highlands ranch. that's 3,000 something people per square mile and there are only 23 square miles. according to wikipedia anyway. out here we have around 5,000 people in 23 square miles. that's about 200 people per square mile. ummm, there is a quite a difference.

with only that many people you have to be careful about picking your nose in the car. you never know who you are going to see ("ewww. she does that?" yeah, well, sometimes).  you just have to play it safe now and again and actually get dressed to go to wal-mart. we ALWAYS see someone c.krill used to know and i believe in first impressions. especially when its an old high school friend or girl. silly and shallow? maybe. but its my life.

its really quiet out here. except when someone is riding a dirt bike (awesome but i wanna hurt them, unless they give me a ride) or the occasional target practice (this annoys me and my own dear husband is a world record target shooter). but most of the time it is quiet. the birds are glorious. i am obsessed with cardinals.

(our front yard. i think we have a dandelion problem)

we have an acre of land and it didn't cost us all our money and then some body parts. we have started a little garden and are hoping for the best.

(jr likes to help garden by putting on the gloves. that's about it)

there is a strong sense of community that is lacking in a city environment. everything is more dear, quaint and people are nicer. my husband is probably laughing at this. he used to tell me that when we lived in colorado, i had no idea how nice people could get. he was right. its not that coloradoans aren't nice, not at all. i'm from colorado and i am a very nice person (in my humble opinion). but chances are you aren't going to see that person again (b/c its a big city... keep up) so you skip the warm smile, the hello, the stopping to chat. you rarely see someone you know or used to know. okay my colorado readers, i am not dissing you. i am speaking in general terms here. if you aren't one of these people you either a) didn't grow up in the ranch or 2) are really awesome.

country life seems more simple. not to mention, we have saved money. why? there is no mall. there is no starbucks. there isn't a lot actually. what there is usually closes at 8 anyway. that's kinda frustrating but its also forced us to be more creative. its also changed my perspective on driving. all of a sudden, 30 minutes doesn't seem so long to get somewhere. in highlands ranch a long drive was 10-15 minutes. you had all you needed at your fingertips and there was no reason to drive any long distance. that is not the case here. if/when we move back i think i won't mind visiting my friends farther away :) wish i had learned that one sooner.

(exploring one of our favorite nearby places)

i have loved living in the country. it will be hard if/when we convert back to city life. i'm not sure we will and i'm not sure we won't. c.krill's job could really take us anywhere. 

we're thankful for this time we have here, though. all the new experiences, new and old friends, and new places to see. we have been blessed.